Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize