He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
