the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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