chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
