Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
