I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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