What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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