She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize