I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Dicks are not precious.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
