I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
