I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
