Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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