Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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