I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
