every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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