i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
