There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
