toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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