Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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