i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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