I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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