There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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