Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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