All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
