"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize