This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I have aggressive nipples.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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