and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
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