She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
