either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
