Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize