Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
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