Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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