mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize