Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
