you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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