I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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