so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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