hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
