She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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