he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
