Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
