I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
