Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
