We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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