Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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