Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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