sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize