so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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