I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
