trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize