FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
