i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
