I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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