he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
There are leaves in my underwear?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
