And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
