his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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