We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
