Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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