Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
