3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
