i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
How does it feel to date your dad?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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