what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
